Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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