one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
