if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
