you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
