allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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