Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
