I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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