Betty ford says i'm here all night
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
