there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
