i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
