I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I need water and some morals
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
