idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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