My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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