Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
