She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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