it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
