I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
