While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
