I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
