alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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