I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
