I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
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She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
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George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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