Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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