I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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