What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They have beer where we have blood.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
