so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
