i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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