i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
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I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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