Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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