I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
