I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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