I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
