I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
