I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
