My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
