you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
