I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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