You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
