Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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