wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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