i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
