why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
