and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
