My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
