...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
