omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
