Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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