you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
