Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
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i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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