Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Randomize
