I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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