dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
