he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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