Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
