She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
