My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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