Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
